Start of a fresh week and how many of us have already gone “Ugg” …. I have, but thats most likely because it is dark and I am behind with my beauty sleep. It is raining making the day a little darker and the down pipe from the guttering is blocked again by the remnants of the seagull nests [guttering was only replaced three months ago]. I have reported it to the Management Company and Director, with a wry evil grin as such things are no longer my problem to fix.
I have been trying to think of ways to inject some positive inspiration, a new project or study area but my mind quickly comes up with the problems [cost too much, cannot get there, no purpose, no reason to]. I suppose this is a side to my logistical ways whenever I did anything or went anywhere. To plan a trip took a lot of research, directions to drive, disabled parking, step free access, costs of taxi’s, how to access things like train and planes. Where to go that has access, print maps, make notes [even in native languages], always having to consider the “what ifs” because my restrictions meant there were no workable alternatives. Some would say this was a positive skill and yes my methodical planning and research made travelling easier – those things had purpose and lead to a great reward.
But, to take up the study of a subject, why, it is just filling time, where is the drive to strive. Sometimes I will start a crochet project and it will sit there for months untouched and when it is done, it might get photographed before it is stuffed with the rest in a draw. To sell these scarves, even on eBay or at a car boot, will not cover the cost of the wool, and in that way makes my efforts feel worthless rather than rewarded.
Physically I am slowing down, I have to be careful how long I sit at the desk before it affects my ability to stand up. I have to be careful how long I stand making meals in the kitchen or cleaning before the strain saps the energy needed to be able to move about later on. Yes, i sent a couple of hours at the main computer, and maybe up to an hour and a half crocheting but there are still twenty four hours in a day and the number of hours where I must do nothing but rest are growing. If I had more energy and ability I could find things that need doing and do them [like the major reshuffle of the bookcases, resort of cupboards and draws] but now that is reliant on the availability of someone else, when they can help, when they can take the discarded items to the charity shop or tip etc.
I feel so constricted and restricted.
It is finding that ‘something’ that strikes a spark, that fuels a fire, that leads to the yearn ….. my mind keeps drifting back to some sort of online study course, I shall have to do some googling and reading.
Till then, there is hair that needs washing, laundry that needs folding and a scheme that needs working on :p
To my wonderful readers – thank you for your kind supportive comments. I have no one to whinge or moan at, so you’re it!