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The Cost Of Investing Hope

30 Aug

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I am pondering….. contemplating….. wondering….. considering…..

You see, this all hinges on at what point do you resign yourself to the not possible and suffer the mild case of disappointment and despondency versus the okay lets seriously plan out and cost doing, to then have it fall at a hurdle that you cannot overcome but cause and suffer greater despondency, disappointment and depression; because the probability of this coming off is slim but if it does, well, its an experience to dine out on for eons.

This is going to sound vague but, there is a mild possibility of an event a few hundred miles away which if asked I would jump to attend.  It will involve train1, train2, mad dash in taxi across city, train3, taxi to overnight accommodation, taxi to and from event, taxi to train station, train 4, mad dash across city, train5, train6, get home, collapse from exhaustion.  It will involve a degree of hanging about and rather more standing about [well not for me obvs I’m in my chariot but pusher would be standing about].

Now, if I was an able bodied Joe, even if one that has to avoid steps and stairs, there would be no issue. I’d be on my way, even if it was relatively last minute.  But I’m a crip in a chariot, who needs a carer, and to book the one and only wheelchair seat on six specific trains, to find wheelchair accessible taxi’s and wheelchair accommodating accommodation, as well as clarify venue’s facilities for wheelies, etc, etc.

Still, it is all rather hypothetical at present, but this is what deteriorating conditions do to you. Something you did not ask for, do anything to get, slowly takes away all options, skills, desires, dreams and renders you sarcastic, bitter, annoyed, pitiful, selfish, and many other such words all covered with a mask of humour and a smile.

Going would cause strain, discomfort and heaps of anxiety but the gain of the experience would outweigh that, but the potential pain caused by the collapse of the dream would be reasonably significant and there would be no gain, no compensation no alternative to offset it.

This post is not about going or getting there, it is not about me and how I cope, it is about at what point do you just have to learn to live with the fact that some dreams will come with a nightmare attached. To avoid the nightmare let go of the dream.

I feel a “Violet Elizabeth” type tantrum in the air ………

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6 Comments

Posted by on August 30, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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6 responses to “The Cost Of Investing Hope

  1. Bushka

    August 30, 2016 at 4:59 pm

    Nothing ventured. Nothing gained. If you have a willing chaperone (pusher), ‘Go’ for it. 😉 Hugs. ❤️❤️

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  2. Your Best Friend

    August 30, 2016 at 6:52 pm

    I know nothing about all this. Why won’t you say what it is?

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • AnneMarie

      August 30, 2016 at 7:01 pm

      Nope. I’d rather not publicly expand on the specifics.

      In the past you and I have hopped a flight or driven far to attend something amazing, but would we consider doing that again, now? At what point does someone stick to the resignation of “I cannot anymore” and leave it at that, or does someone doggedly put themselves into the pit of fight, anxiety, nervousness, planning, organising, investing, working, hoping, dreaming, fantasising on the potential success and still fail to reach the intended goal.

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  3. deacongill

    September 2, 2016 at 4:46 pm

    I can see this is a real dilemma. I guess too that you seesaw according to how much you’ve slept and morale levels. I suspect there are days when you would say ‘yes – let’s go for it no matter what the cost’ and other days when it’s ‘can’t be arsed’. No easy answers but hugs xx

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • AnneMarie

      September 2, 2016 at 5:55 pm

      So much hinges on how much disappointment etc I want to protect myself from, because it can be quite hard to fight against. Plus, it feels such a defeat when my MD denies me something.

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