After a visit from a work colleague for a few hours of free flowing chit chat, she said that I had really lost my mo-jo. That sounded wrong, I was talking to her about some thing and how I cannot get enthused with jobs or projects, that I hanker to do something but the rest of me cannot rise to it.
There are two ‘things’, projects, activities that I take part it that I do not go into detail about but over the last few months to a year a great deal of disheartened melancholy has crept it and I have found myself wondering whether to bother continuing or not. Now I know me, I will cling on to the grim death on things I should have let go long before. I don’t just flog the dead horse, I continue cpr, banging the breaths, singing the lullaby and holding the candlelit vigil until the bones disintegrate. I also know that at present I should not let how I feel be a deciding factor in anything because my despondency, my resignation, my self-sense are not to be relied upon.
First is the forum I moderate, along with two other fabulous excellent colleagues. For the past four years we have battled to get the forum included and used by HQ, we have stamped our feet about it being used as the HQ uses other social media, we have protected, defended and policed against advertising spam, posters seeking to garner personal info etc, as well as walk beside parents devastated by a diagnosis of their joyous bundles. We are quite protective of our little board. Since December last year there have been a series on small incidents that have left us feeling insulted and patronised. Our LineManager [LM] went off long term sick, no one told us so we did not know why he was not answering our emails. LM returned, apologised and arranged an online meeting. LM forgot to turn up to meeting, we emailed LM’s boss to get an auto response saying Boss had left the charity and to contact a name we did not know. LM apologised again and arranged second meeting, which ….. yes ….. he forgot to attend, well no he did not forget, because we got the auto reply email saying he had left the charity and to contact unknown name. So despite numerous emails back and forth neither had said that they were leaving nor the other was leaving and nor who was replacing. The over-stressed info person is taking part of the forum remit under her wing and although she always thanks us for our efforts and recognises the efforts we go to, it feels a touch patronising for her to say that on behalf of HQ when most have no clue who we are or what we do. I have come so very close to going “I quit”, it is only the friendship and to support my fellow mods that I have not.
Second there is a web site that I edit and maintain. Over a decade ago it began and I as a back room supporter became involved and eventually circumstances changed and I took over. I enjoyed the putting together of the information, the researching and finding and then the programming of code to produce a page that did not look fan scrap book amateur but something often mistaken as ‘official’. But there is an element of fan who feels it is their right and duty to personally attack me and the subject of the web site, they talk of “reporting me” to authorities or getting my internet block. One even threatened to set mosad on me, laughable really. There are so few who openly offer support, to help through these times of trial and as getting information, as well as permissions from copyright holders is such hard work – I often feel I, in my effort to do things the right way, am swimming against the tide of everyone else. The other day as I was tidying files and deleting emails my button hovered over the “delete website” button and I was tempted to click, it was the thought of throwing away all my hard work [and my buds], all the effort in producing the product that stopped me. I thought about setting up a poll on the web site asking if the web site was not there would you miss it – but that feels like I am trying to seek attention and praise.
But I am almost constantly pondering whether to let these things go or not. On one side I do not want to lose all my hard work and efforts and on the other I do not feel I am getting the satisfaction nor support to warrant continuing, plus if I don’t do these things then what the heck is there for me to do other than eat, drink, pee and sleep. Then there is the third hand that the greatest driving force behind the negative feelings and worn down efforts is my over all mood. Would stopping be a decision of spite aimed at myself.
I am sort of in a wait and see mode, semi pessimistic that nothing will change but I will be of a mind to better deal with it.