I feel weighed down today by things that have been happening, and by this year in general. I am guilty of taking things to heart too often and hiding that hurt with a smile and non-judgemental understanding and tolerance. I rarely let anyone under my skin, I have only ever truly done that with two people and both have left an impression, a wealth of memories and an abundance of pain. In no way do I blame them or resent them, I take responsibility for investing too much in them.
Still it bleeds into my psyche, it undermines my self perception, it feeds my self deprecation, it shines on the fact that all my activity and interest and people are in my past. My weakening health has stopped me still in a world that has moved on, I cannot keep up, only fall back.
For once a positive is having a negative affect. I have something truly wonderful that is something to work towards [sorry to be cryptic, might be able to reveal later], something encouraging and rewarding and energizing, but no, the hurdles and hoops are tripping me at every turn.
I have no idea what to do and no energy or motivation to seek it, grasp it and fight for it.