I do not know why but the general mood of ‘meh’ or the newly named ‘cantbearsedness’ has become deeply entrenched. When you have something to do that has a purpose and a deadline you can chivvy or argue with yourself to get on with it, the birthday present I am working on has a purpose [it is a gift for someone] and has a deadline [their birthday date], but when it comes to everything else I simply cannot dredge up enough enthusiasm to attempt a spark of motivation.
Could the reason be the time of year, the age I am approaching, the mundane-ness of life, the insular nature of my disease … all these and a few more no doubt; yet this year I am almost do not care if anyone notices I have not washed my hair or opened the curtains before lunch time. When I had a rather glum-drum period my friend challenged me to write in a book something good about each day, not matter how slight or trivial, it did not work, the headache of searching through the day and finding something became so uttery tedious and what I did write became monotonous and trivial.
Recently a friend asked why I didn’t take a holiday – well because it changes nothing, the researching and deciding where to go, the organising of the getting there, the packing and going, the time there are all so utterly draining and they take away the modicum of independance I have at home [things like making ones own coffee or being able to struggle to ones feet off the porcelain throne]. No, the holiday I need would be from my muscle condition, a break somewhere warm and cosy and able to do exactly as I please, when I pleased and not needing anyone else to help. Whether it be a walk, or even a jog, a mooch or a comfortable seat that does not induce numbness or back ache.
I know many of you will want to offer helpful advice, and I do appreciate your concern but when going anywhere or doing anything involves a herculean mountain to climb for the crumb of a cookie, the life balance is all wacked out, and the consequences of such exertion lay me flat for the next couple of days.
I am just being a moany-minny …. come spring/summer/eventually the mood will lighten.