This is going to be tricky to explain.
For some years now I have been holding on to a dream, I had a feeling and believed one day “this” will happen. I am not one to hold to hope after all my family motto is if it wasn’t for bad luck we’d have no luck at all, that is how we roll. None the less I allowed myself to dream and have faith in a way that “this” will come to fruition. It evolved and developed contingencies. It made me smile and feel warm at its potential excitement, not just for myself but for others as well.
Yesterday the possibility of “this” really happening became possible as dates were announced for a certain person to come to our shores and just as suddenly all hopes were dashed. Of all the weeks in all the years they had to damn well go and choose that one.
I cannot go.
The event will never happen again.
Life has taught me to expect disappointment and as yesterday loomed with its potential, an element of me knew that something would prevent me from the experience and it would call into question several different aspects of myself and my life.
On the outside and as far as anyone will ever see I shall shrug my shoulders and go “Oh well, can’t be helped”, but inside is another story. I am angry, I am seething to the point of utter despair. My MD has denied me something else. It has taken away from me my job; my finances; my car; my music; my piano; my sailing; my social life and friends; my enjoyments. it dictates my food, my drink, my sleep, my clothes, my actions, my furniture, my hygiene, my every breath. It is a cold wet hard slap in the face that my life is not my own, I am not the one in control and I am not the decision maker.
As an Aries, I could blow into a full on tantrum strop and throw out all my toys – it wouldn’t make me feel any better and it wouldn’t get me anywhere closer to what I want. It just leaves me feeling that there is no point thinking of anything beyond my four walls. Don’t worry folks if I am quiet for a while. To paraphrase a phrase, I am always disappointed it is the depth than varies.
The comments have been turned off as I am not looking for solutions, suggestions or sympathy, I just needed to put this somewhere.