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Can’t cope with kudos

16 Sep

irock

I have never been very good at how to respond to receiving accolades, kudos or appreciation, or even compliments.  I am so much better with sarcasm and scathing whit.

I remember a few years ago when hurrying from work to my car my boss’s boss was in the smoking area and said “Oh Janet has been telling me about you” my instant response was “Why what have I done?”.  It was simply that the effort put in that week to get a section of backlog done had meant that our section accuracy statistics and clearance rate had jumped comfortably into the green after languishing in the red for so long.  As far as I was concerned I was just doing my job and doing what that boss asked me to do.

Going even further back I remember rehearsing for hours for a piano recital, I was to play Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata.  I was in my teens somewhere, 14/15 ish.  Anyway up seated at the shinny black grand piano in the Ballroom of Somerleyton Hall I performed my piece, heart racing, thankful to get through it without bum note or fluffed page turnings and I vividly remember feeling this wave of rapturous applause rolling towards me.  I bowed my head and scurried back to my seat almost blushing with embarrassment.

So when this week the guitarist whose web site I look after posted to my Facebook wall a very public message of appreciation, I did not know how to respond.  When my boss on TalkMD [I volunteer as a moderator on a web forum] emailed us to say he has nominated us for an award for all the hard work we put in – I thought what hard work?  When a poster on that board and put in their post little messages saying [AM mod helped me with that] and [AM taught me how to do that] – again I was stumped as how to feel and reply.

I did my usual ”   oh hush, stop, it weren’t nuffin special” replies.

So when the Publications and Communications Manager emailed asking that we moderators each write a 100 word bio of ourselves and why we volunteered for TalkMD and to send a photo as well because it is going in the next edition of the Target MD publication, I am like .  I have not done anything significant, I am not standing out there in the rain trying to rattle a collection bucket in a none harrasing way.  I am not scaling a great wall or doing a wheelchair marathon.

I am not worthy.

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11 Comments

Posted by on September 16, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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11 responses to “Can’t cope with kudos

  1. Bushka

    September 16, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    At the end of reading that….I wish you were closer so I could give you a ‘Hug’…and say…”Silly Girl” I DO undretand, though…..;)

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  2. la_spice

    September 16, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    I know that you are a very humble person. I discovered this when I introduced your blog to my blogfriends some months ago. You were surprised when I described you as amazing – that description still stands.

    The following aren’t my words but are what I’d like to say to you.

    It’s all down to self-confidence. When your confidence is low it is a natural reaction to avoid or ignore compliments. When someone pays you a compliment, they mean it. When you dismiss it, or disagree, you are basically saying they are either lying, or wrong.

    If you feel uncomfortable, they tend to get embarrassed too. Remember you are worthy of every compliment you are paid, and more. Start writing a list of all the compliments you receive, no matter how small, and you will become more used to receiving praise. Look at your list of compliments regularly and realise how much others really do think of you.

    Give yourself compliments! When you do something well, are happy with something, or just generally feel good, compliment yourself. ‘Well done, you did a great job there!’ You don’t have to do something perfectly to get a compliment, just to the best of your ability.

    You are worthy – so get on and write those 100 words ~x~

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  3. Miza-T

    September 16, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    Sometimes a little thing we do means a big thing to other people. I was diagnosed with MS 1 year ago and I’ve been going through all sorts of feelings; just reading other people experiences has been a big deal!
    So, hey, Kudos for you for being a volunteer! in whatver it is, it makes you worth! 🙂

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    • amgroves

      September 17, 2011 at 1:38 am

      I can imagine the feelings and fears you have been going through. I was diagnosed with my MD pre-school age but even so as I hit teenage years I did not want to associate with other MD sufferers because I did not want to consider being that confined by the disease. Sometimes I wish my mind was at the same stage of the game as my body, I might have more generous acceptance.

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  4. deleted user

    September 16, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    Is it just that you are humble, or do you really feel unworthy, irrespective of anything ?
    Surely you don’t actually want people to rudely put you down ?!
    Humility is – to a degree – a virtue, and arrogance is offputting, however I’m sure you need to think much more flatteringly of yourself !
    Are you still able to play the piano, or does your MD limit that ?
    My late dad tried to teach me, but unfortunately I was hopeless at it !
    -x-.

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    • amgroves

      September 17, 2011 at 1:40 am

      Sadly no, I am unable to play any instruments anymore. Of all the things my disease denies me, not able to play music is the one that can easily reduce me to tears unexpectedly.

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  5. amgroves

    September 17, 2011 at 1:28 am

    I think a great deal of it stems from childhood. I do not remember receiving the congratulatory elements. School was hell, always the target for the bully. I quickly grew the skin for defense. Having an abundance of one over a distinct lack of another means I did not figure out ho to handle the lesser element.

    Behind so much of it I do not feel worth or worthy because I do not see the significance in what I do, maybe because so much of it is done to just fill time.

    Thanks for all your comments guys 🙂

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    • deleted user

      September 17, 2011 at 11:17 pm

      Thanks for explaining. I was bullied at school, so I understand how that can impair ones self-esteem.
      With all Good wishes,
      Martin.

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  6. deleted user

    September 17, 2011 at 6:57 am

    It must be good to realise that others appreciate your efforts? from one that received no thanks for carrying a collection bucket(you are officially not allowed to rattle it so we were told)

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    • amgroves

      September 17, 2011 at 12:52 pm

      Yes, we were told that we could in a non aggressive, non eye contact, non harassing, non obliging way gently rattle our collection cans and buckets but were not allowed to advertise our presence when there were many people about us – we had to wait for them to approach us.

      Whomever you were collecting for, I thank you, it can be sole destroying to stand out somewhere trying to collect cash. Thank you for thinking of doing it, going ahead and volunteering to do it and then actually doing it – it made a difference I am sure.

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